In the past few months, this post has made its rounds. The article’s point is to state that marriage is not about you and your happiness but about your spouse’s happiness and your children having a good set of parents to raise them.
Good, but incomplete:
While I agree that we need to have an outward focus in our marriages (otherwise we’re blatantly selfish) I think that it can be (notice I didn’t say definitely is) equally selfish make the happiness of your spouse and kids the center of your marriage. This goes along with the adage- “Happy wife, happy life.” Do I want a happy life? Of course! Then I am going to make my wife happy! Whatever it takes– because I want a happy life!
Happiness, in and of itself, is easy. If my wife’s happiness was to be the chief focus of our marriage, I would have little trouble getting into the right patterns and habits to make her happy all the time. I would give her whatever she wanted, never challenge her opinion, and if she were wrong about something or caught in a sin, I would let her be wrong rather than challenging her and risking her temporary happiness.
Don’t get me wrong, happiness is a wonderful thing! If my goal were the opposite of making Emmalie happy, that would be a very bad thing. It is not wrong to desire the happiness of our spouses, but there is something that is beyond happiness to which we must aspire.
Beyond happiness is holiness
Holiness, not happiness, should be the goal of our marriage. If I look to make my wife’s holiness my goal then I am going so much further than the fleeting pleasures of happiness– I am encouraging in her something of a greater eternal benefit. I would argue that this is what we are told to do in Ephesians 5.22-33, and 1 Peter 3.1-7. In Ephesians Paul compares marriage to Christ’s relationship with the Church (and tells us that marriage is meant to be a picture of that relationship). Here, he speaks of the sanctification of the Church through Christ’s work on the Cross.
Husbands: If you are to love your wives as Christ loves the Church, you are to pursue her sanctification (holiness) beyond her (or your) happiness. Pursuing her holiness is, in this case, how one “loves his wife as his own body.” You strive to take care of your body, don’t you? Focusing on temporary happiness at the expense of leading in righteousness is akin to eating all of those sweets at Christmas that later led to horror and discomfort in your bowels. We need good, fulfilling food; so do our wives. Nourish your wife. Cherish her. Aid her in holiness. Don’t give her only what tastes sweet if it will lead to the sourness of un-righteousness.
In 1 Peter we see that wives are commanded to submit to their husbands. Whatever you think about the idea of submission, know this: the purpose of this submission is the salvation and sanctification of the husband (1 Peter 3.1,2). Is your husband an unbeliever? Win him over with your grace, kindness, and compassion for him. Show him that the Spirit works in you and makes you submissive. Is he a believer? Encourage his growth in Christ by your submission to him. Show him what submission looks like so that he will continue to have a good example for submitting to Christ.
Marriage can bring a whole range of emotions: happiness, sorrow, anger, and joy. But if our goal is mutual holiness then even the sad moments of hurt and pain will be used to advance that goal. Aiming for happiness, even if it is the happiness of your spouse, is aiming too low.