The Gospel of…

A while back, I was thinking through the many influential voices of Christianity in America. Then it hit me, a lot of them have one thing they really like to talk about. Some times, it gets old and makes you not want to buy their books any more.
What if…
all these big name guys preached those messages as the Gospel, the following would probably result:

Mark Driscoll: There are very few saved men, and it’s my job to yell at them until they are saved.

Matt Chandler: If you’re from the South, you’re not saved.

John Piper: I’m just really happy… and I would be more so if you were saved. But if you’re not, you’re still in one of the wills of God, and I am still happy!

Abraham Piper: Can I explain salvation in 22 words? I’ll make the title longer than the explanation and Minneapolis will be mentioned very often.

DA Carson: I would explain salvation to you, but it would have to be through very many exegetical arguments and I would cite the Greek exceedingly often. Είσαι σωθεί?

CJ Mahaney: Proud people cannot be saved, I’m barely humble enough to get this “cross-centered” thing.

Joshua Harris: Only if you marry your Church and court your wife-to-be are you saved. Otherwise, you’re a promiscuous cheater that needs to stop Church hopping.

Craig Gross: There are three steps to salvation: Jesus loves you. Don’t look at Porn. Go to Porn shows to evangelize.

Billy Graham: If you went to any one of my crusades ever, you’re saved, no matter what you believe now.

Paul Washer: There are no Christians in America… except for me. And I’m only saved because I yell at you and make you feel guilty.

Francis Chan: If you think you’re saved, you’re probably not. But if you have sold your house enough times and take in random strangers, you stand a good chance. Oh yeah, vocational ministers might be saved, but they’re not in the will of God, which would make them lukewarm, which means they’re not saved.

Rick Warren: Is there purpose to your life? If so, you’re saved! If not, I’ll show you purpose over the course of 40 days.

Brian McLaren: Do we really need to be saved? Are we really that bad? Isn’t there a new kind of salvation that applies to those who aren’t white, middle-classed, theologians?

Rob Bell: What does being saved actually mean? Can we even know? Did Jesus even know? What do the Hebrew Scriptures say? Here, let me act it out for you…

Thankfully, this isn’t really what these people think (with one or two possible exceptions). Merry Christmas, I hope this was as enjoyable as it was to write!